Your addicted son or daughter has moved back into the house after losing yet another job or failing at yet another relationship. Despite your best efforts they refuse to even consider treatment. You’ve contacted several addiction help centers and they’ve all told you the same thing: Alcoholics and addicts won’t seek treatment until they’ve reached the bottom of the ladder and decide on their own that they can no longer stand the pain. No amount of pleading, begging or bribery is going to change that.
Not exactly what you wanted to hear. Then on top of that, you’ve been advised to take care of yourself and let the addict suffer the consequences of his or her actions. You’ve been encouraged to create an effective boundary between yourself and the addict. Easier said than done. After all, this is the child you raised from birth.
On the surface, none of this seems to make sense. How can I not help the person I love? They depend on me for support. I can’t just toss them out on their own. Tough love looks good on the movie screen, but this is my son (or daughter) and if I’m not here to look after them, who will be?
All good questions, but the bottom line is that you must, at a minimum, create boundaries between yourself and the addict, no matter how foreign and unnatural that suggestion may sound. That doesn’t mean you go out of your way to make your addict suffer in order to force them into treatment. It means that, when they have a negative consequence as a result of their addiction, you don’t go out of your way to “fix it.”
You don’t, for instance, call the admissions office when your son is too dope sick to go to school. You don’t call your daughter’s employer and make an excuse for her absence when, truth be told, she got home at four in the morning. And you don’t respond to every request by pulling out your wallet or purse.
Have any of these codependent actions ever worked in the past? Of course not.
Here’s another thought. They’re probably living with you rent-free. They’re lounging around watching TV while you’re vacuuming around their feet, doing their laundry, lending them your car and buying them cigarettes. Why on earth would they want to look up phone numbers for addiction help centers when you’re treating them like royalty? They’ve never had it so good.
You might not be able to control their addictive behavior, but you can certainly control your own space and their environment. Don’t do their laundry. Don’t lend them the car. Don’t give them money, or buy them cigarettes or worse yet, a 12-pack of beer. Make it clear that you still love them and you’re not punishing them. Tell them it all boils down to the fact that they need to start accepting responsibility for their addiction and begin acting like the adults they are.
All of a sudden you have a choice in how you respond to your addict’s actions. And it doesn’t have to be confrontational. This is not a matter of ultimatums or threats or pleas. It’s a decision on your part to no longer participate in their addiction. In fact, that addiction is their problem, not yours. Suggest that treatment is available if and when they’re ready for it.
This new “boundary” thing might even surprise you. When your addict discovers that nobody’s enabling them and they’re expected to accept some responsibility, treatment might start to look like a viable alternative. And, of course, you’ll be there. Ready to help them out.
Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach, California, offers treatment for alcoholism, drug addiction and mental disorders.
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