“Love Story,” the ultimate chick flick, was released in 1970 with a tagline that read, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” It was a popular film, but a bit contrived, and the catch line prompted some pretty cynical remarks.
John Lennon, for one, parodied the catch phrase when he said, “Love means having to say you’re sorry every 15 minutes.” And even the film’s co-star, Ryan O’Neal, mocked the trademark line when he said, “That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard.”
So for those of us with long histories of drug abuse that left a wake of ruined relationships behind us, the process of saying we’re sorry – even if we mean it – just doesn’t cut it. We’ve gone through long chunks of our lives saying we’re sorry, usually followed by, “I promise I won’t use again,” or “this is my last bindle of cocaine – and I mean it this time!”
Way too many words, not enough action.
In recovery, we discovered that love doesn’t mean we have to say we’re sorry, but we do need to correct whatever wrongs we committed in the first place. The Ninth Step of Narcotics Anonymous is an action step. It requires that we make direct amends to those we have harmed wherever possible, and nowhere in that step do the words “I’m sorry” appear.
When we were using drugs, we manipulated people and tried to control every segment of our lives and the lives of others. We lied, we stole, we cheated and we went to any lengths to obtain our drug of choice. And when we started to get clean and to take advantage of drug abuse resources such as treatment centers and 12-step programs, we were told that eventually we would have to make sincere amends to those we had harmed.
This is one of the most important things we’ll do in recovery, and we want to do it right. That means we don’t go out and make these amends fresh out of treatment or with just a couple of weeks or a month of clean time. First off, we’re not ready and neither are the victims of our addiction. Secondly, nobody’s going to believe us. They’ve all heard our stories before.
Eventually, as our families and close friends begin to see a change in us, it becomes easier for them to accept us. Like the book “Narcotics Anonymous” says: “Clean time speaks for itself. Patience is an important part of our recovery.”
Drug abuse resources such as a recovery home or an NA meeting teach us that we get to Step Nine when we get to Step Nine. Like our sponsor always says, “The steps are numbered for a reason.” This step, like all the others, is about growing up and staying out of our own way. The more time we have, the less of a mess we’re making in our neighborhoods as a result of our using.
And when our sponsor says we’re ready to take our amends on the road, we go to those people on our list and humbly ask them for their understanding for past wrongs. The book describes how we do this in detail, including how to make financial amends to those we borrowed – or stole – money from. The good news is, we often find that the people we love most are also the most forgiving. They just want us to quit doing what we were doing. To them, that’s amends enough.
Once we’ve made these amends – in person when possible and indirectly when appropriate – we find that we have not only helped ourselves with our guilt, but we’ve help others with their anger or disappointment. We’ve wiped the slate clean and we can once again look any man or woman in the eye.
Because, as drug addicts, we can’t afford to be uncomfortable in our own skins. The idea is to have a clear conscience about our past. And to stay comfortable, we try and avoid the things that cause us conflict. The truth is, we won’t experience as much pain if we can avoid the things that cause us pain.
We attempt and look at ourselves each night upon retiring, investigating our actions, attitudes and relationships to see where we might have stepped on someone else’s toes or acted inappropriately. And then we wake up the next morning and make an effort to correct those actions. We do this every day in order to keep our own side of the street clean.
That’s the growing up part. When we were scoring dope or taking money from our parents or spouses so we could score dope, we weren’t giving a lot of thought to how we could improve our lives or live in harmony with those closest to us. Now, as clean and sober members of society, we find ourselves living in the moment. And loving it.
Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach, California, offers treatment for alcoholism, drug abuse and mental disorders. For more information, call 949.725.8565.
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